"We may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all—the apathy of human beings."

~Helen Keller

Love?

Love?

What is love?

We try to explain with a rose,

Identify with colors of red,

Define as hearts becoming butterflies.

He said, "I love".

One year later, she's standing

Alone.

Butterflies lose flight when harmed

And roses decay.

Humans speak too soon.

Is anyone sure?

Does anyone know?

Chocolate is sweet,

But is consumed quickly.

Some devour while others

Enjoy the sensation.

Either route has the same end.

Jewels present strength and beauty,

Immortality,

Until stolen - then gone forever.

What is the price we are willing to pay?

Red can also mean blood,

But maybe

That is the price.

What is love without

Being ready to die?

She stands on the front lines,

He takes her bullet,

She begs God to have her life for his,

His eyes show no fear.

He holds her hand and brushes her lips,

"Of all things, this is what I'll miss."

~Heidi Joens

These Are For You..

What?

I don't know how I feel about you,

Or why my mind's always on you.

You have me in a weird way -

I think I'm free,

But sometimes I imagine chains.

And always this feeling

I can't describe,

One I've never had.

Is it desire?

Love?

Beginnings of hate?

Something that won't satiate.

I lie and stare

And lie to myself.

Or is this the truth?

Am I hiding?

Scared?

Or is this really boldness?

There you are again -

In my head.

But what are you doing?
Is it really you?

Or just my own projection?

I thought I knew,

Thought we were friends...

But now we're strangers,

And neither you

Nor I

Comprehend.

~Heidi Joens

You've got me hanging on your every word

Even as they drag me through the dirt.

You're sweet and addicting like chocolate -

Just a taste and I want more of it,

But there's almonds and walnuts in the center,

Making the experience somewhat bitter.

You make my day and then walk away,

And I know I shouldn't ask you to stay,

But here I am following behind this tree

Hoping you'll turn and recognize me.

How can you be fun, yet so terrible?

I am confused, and worse - I'm miserable.

~Heidi Joens

Don't Go Friend

We both led each other on -

I gave you hope, you gave me security,

Then I squashed that hope

And you tried to break me.

I never though that you

Could cut a hole so deep.

Even as I write these words

The idea makes me weep.

Now two aching hearts

Cry out from different means

Ripped in the center

And bleeding through the seams.

Friend, oh friend,

You hurt me so,

But what kills me is your pain

That I also know.

I never wanted to be the one

Who drove you far away.

My small voice was begging

For your arms to stay.

The same arms that made me feel

Safe and protected

Were also the same trap

That made you feel rejected.

I want to hear your sad song

As I have in days past,

But now you may write of me,

And those days were my last.

~Heidi Joens

I miss everything we were and all that we knew,

I miss the talks, the laughter, and I miss you.

It's on days like today when I just need a friend

That I'm baffled at whether it may have come to an end.

Sometimes I cry, but just for a while

Thinking of how you could make me smile.

Then I need to write - sketch it all out,

Put pen to paper and let my heart shout.

Maybe I'm cheesy or too sentimental,

But the memories flood my mind in a way that's not gentle.

I'm not asking for attention or expecting you to see

The way this situation is torturing me.

If you could but walk in the shoes that I own,

Maybe you never would have left me alone.

But it's life, we're only human bound to make fault,

And perhaps I did more than I ought.

Rewind, rewind, please let me return

To that peaceful place for which I yearn.

I miss you, I miss you, the ache will be here

Always, as to my heart you are very dear.

~Heidi Joens

Ineffable Mystery

You quiet my desires as your fingers touch my lips,

You wrap me in your arms, and I just cling to this.

All other distractions quiet to a low, dull hum,

And my heart pounds through places I thought were numb.

I give up, I rue it all, take all I am.

I lie quiet at your feet - me, a little lamb.

The storm I came through shook me and soaked my bones,

I waged a war and then I died alone.

Oh, the absurdity of assuming that I

Without wings or feathers could jump and then fly!

This hand is not of beauty or grace

But simply one that longs to touch your face.

Take off the layers, the impedimenta I own.

Your fingers dig deep through the threads that I've sewn.

In trepidation I cry from this pain that I feel,

And suddenly this life becomes very real.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." I try to construe.

My nakedness is shameful in front of you,

But you exculpate me without hesitation

And make my salvation your obligation.

Praise you, oh Lord, for your incredible mercy!

This love is such a beautiful, ineffable mystery!

I deserve fire and without you I am lost,

But me you have redeemed through the power of the cross.

~Heidi Joens

Madness

We're not the friends that I thought we were,

And I'm tired of this and you and her.

For reasons that I may never know

You put up you your hand and turned to go.

But you did not leave - you stayed in this place,

So day by day I still see your face

As it smiles kindly on ones that I love

And sneers at me secretly from dark corners of

This madness that you, alas have made real.

And this sentence I have tried to appeal,

But madness in madness makes no sense at all,

There's no clarity in the issue I try to recall.

If you're trying to prove that you really don't care,
You need not worry, I can see you there

Avoiding my being to focus on she,

But what a happy triad we used to be!

This slow burn of events is starting to scorch

My brain and my heart. Extinguish that torch!

Yes, we're only friends, but we know through and through

The makings of I and the fundamentals of you.

So there's nowhere to run, for this is my home,

And I'll learn to be near you but be really alone.

~Heidi Joens

Cold Night in November

I wrote this at the end of the year 2008 reflecting on something that had happened the year before.

Two months ago, who would have thought that this was where we would be? It was a cold, rainy night in November, and the over-crowded atmosphere inside the coffee shop offered no place to sit. After receiving our drinks, it was my car we retreated to, the only alternative suggested. We ran through the rain, trying to escape the cold chill the wind was adding to the night. Finally reaching my white intrepid, we were anxious for some shelter. With a shaking hand, I turned the key in the ignition and adjusted the heat. And there we sat.
After ten minutes, I was still shivering, but it did not matter how high I turned up the heater. I tried to sip my caramel macchiato, but it was strange how the sugar had done nothing to sweeten the taste. The window to my left had become clouded with steam from my quick, hot breaths. I turned and noticed the rain falling in the parking lot, for the picture through your window was clear as day. Your posture was still, your hair slicked dark from being wet, but your eyes were even darker.
There was a tension in that car so thick I could almost see it. Your presence did nothing to warm me, for you were as cold as the night. My gaze kept dropping down to my knees because I was afraid of that stare. It was not directed at me, and that was even part of the reason I feared it. Where were you looking and what did you see? You were somewhere else and not easily returning. That was my goal, to bring you back, but my hopes slowly suffocated as the night carried on.
Our conversation was difficult to maintain as the silent one between us became louder. You were not the same boy I once knew. The summer of playtime had been long since over, and your mood only seemed to stick with the seasons. Who was I kidding? Why was I still playing this game? Were you even telling the truth when just the day before you had said you were sorry? And who were you kidding? Was there really a good reason to lead me to believe things had not changed?
“It’s late,” you stated as you reached for the handle of your door. I looked at the clock and realized forty minutes had passed. Wow, we had been in another world, one where time had no essence. Your words were a sharp bell waking us back up to reality. “Yes,” I replied, “I suppose it is.”
I watched you exit my car and the wind that blew in only caused my jaw to shake once more. I watched you make it back to your truck, and I watched you drive away. It took just a second before I realized my shaking jaw had become a quivering lip. I tried to bite it, but not even the coldest place in the world could numb me. I was still holding on to the last ray of sunshine, and that cannot be stolen without a fight. Surrender, perhaps? I knew that was not like me. I fought too hard and for more than I was worth.
The tears shed that night were more for me than for you, for I knew that I was enslaved to my heart. No matter how hard my head tried to fight it, my feelings would not die so easily. I knew I was hurt and would be hurt again, so why could I not save myself from that mess? I was an idiot for diving into icy waters and hoping that the top would not freeze over before I came up. Alas, I put my head to my pillow that night and prayed that my dreams would bring a happier ending. “Save me, oh Lord, I cannot stand the cold.”

Isn't It Interesting

Isn't it interesting

The people we choose

To walk all over us?

For most we return

Slap with punch,

Kick with bone crunch,

But then there's the few

Who hug like porcupines

And we gladly bleed.

Even a touch from the jellyfish

Is a justified sting.

We draw close to the skunk

And stand in bee hives -

I just want to be measured up in your eyes.

I'm drinking your poison,

I can feel it's warmth in my veins.

Now I choke, gasp for air

Pour me another glass.

Step on my hands, my feet,

My torso, my head.

Jump on me, skip on me,

Just don't leave me for dead.

Don't walk away,

I'll let you cut me again.

I don't need blood anyway,

Just you.

~Heidi Joens